by Carol Brooks
This is the story of my life’s journey to discover the truth about who I am. I remember being about five or six, and playing with the daughter of my mother’s best friend. Somehow, we started playing dress up and I wore her dresses. It felt so good, and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t wear them all the time. My parents never knew that we did this. I would wear this little girl’s nightgown and panties. As I got older, I remember riding my bike down to her place and wearing panties and a slip under my trousers. I was both thrilled and nervous.
When I was about nine or ten, my mother would make me wear my sister’s dress so that she could hem it. I complained, but my mother said my sister was too busy doing household chores so I had to do it. Sometime later, my sister found out that I wore one of her dresses, and I was punished for that. I had to wear the dress all day while they called me Susie, and tried to shame and embarrass me. They told my only grandfather, and he too would call me a sissy and a little girl. They taunted me saying that men are strong and don’t cry, and definitely don’t wear dresses. Only sissies do!
My father was Catholic and my mother was Methodist, but neither of them ever went to church. The Mennonites would pick us up for Bible school on Sundays and in the summer, and that’s how I learned to believe in Jesus. I continued to play dress up with my friend for many years until my mother left my father when I was about twelve years old. Shortly after that my sisters moved out. I lived with my father and learned to be very independent by washing our clothes, ironing, cooking and cleaning the house. Since my mother was the one to leave, and because they were not married in the Catholic Church, my father was welcomed back into the church. He enrolled me in CCD classes and in due time I joined the church. We lived together until I was eighteen years old. Very frequently I would wear some of my sister’s clothes that had been left in the attic, particularly when he was at work at night. I grew up thinking that I was the only person in the world feeling this way. When I started dressing it wasn’t because I wanted sexual or erotic feelings. It just felt right and nice, and I felt so peaceful and comfortable. As I got older, though, it did cause a sexual response in me which made me feel guilty and ashamed, so I would quickly undress. I started thinking that it was sinful and I needed to stop these thoughts and feelings.
I thought that the urge to dress would go away after I got a regular girlfriend and got married. My wife and I abstained from sex until we were married, but once we had sex, I discovered that it was not all that great, but as a man I was expected to place a high value on sex. Shortly after my wife got pregnant with our first child, she discovered that I was wearing her clothes on occasion, though we never spoke about it. One night several years later, I got such an urge that I got out of bed, went in to the shower and shaved my legs. My wife heard the shower and was shocked when she saw what I was doing. That night we talked. We had been married about six years at that point, so we decided that she would try to cope with my being a crossdresser. She even got me some underclothes and a dress. We would have tea together and chat. But after a few weeks of this, she said she just couldn’t tolerate it. So we got rid of all the clothes and I tried to suppress my urges. At this point we have been married over thirty-five years and the urges have never gone away.
We never thought about going to talk to our priest. He would be the last person we would think of talking to about this. When we were married about seven years, we became involved in Marriage Encounter and grew in our faith. We were both lectors at Mass, taught CCD, gave a talk at Marriage Encounter weekends, and even coordinated Marriage Encounter for our diocese. I was director of the CCD program for several years. As I grew in faith, my thoughts and urges were a thorn in my side. I figured it was my burden to carry for life. I had been well taught to sacrifice myself for others, for my wife, my children and my church. I became more involved in music ministry in my parish. I started two guitar groups, a choir. I encouraged a young man to become involved with music and mentored him into becoming director of music. My faith has made it very difficult to accept who I am. To acknowledge the truth that I am a transsexual was to say that something was wrong with me. Others might no longer see me as a good example of Christian living. I could be scourged as Christ was, but they would think it was totally justified. I have many good friends with deep religious and Catholic values who are very outspoken in their condemnation of people who are gay and who crossdress.
About two years ago I could stand it no more. I was drawn to the Internet and searched for information about people like me. I started asking what I was and what was wrong with me. My wife went to visit family in the east, and I started planning long before she left. I was buying women’s clothes on eBay and planned to dress when I was alone. While she was gone, I started rubbing her Progesterone on my breasts and hips hoping they would grow. I couldn’t get my mind off the idea of becoming more feminine. I felt so wonderful while dressed, so happy and content. But I felt stressed and depressed while dressed in my male attire. By the time my wife came home, I thought I saw changes in my body and decided to tell her what was happening. I told her I didn’t want to wear her clothes because I knew it would upset her. That was true. I started asking myself if I was a crossdresser or a transsexual. I told my wife that I wanted to see a doctor to find out who or what I am. She kept thinking that I could be cured, that if I prayed for a miracle it would all go away. She was afraid that a doctor might disclose our secret to everyone. Fear ruled her, but even so she stuck by me. We started seeing a doctor of sexology and I started searching to find myself. I went on a retreat conducted by a Catholic sister for transsexuals and their spouses. My wife and I met with her that same weekend, and shortly after that my wife decided to make a retreat with her to process the struggle going on in her about me. She was provided the opportunity to talk with transsexuals and crossdressers and spend a lot of time with God and sister to process what she was experiencing. When she returned home, she prayed that I was a crossdresser and feared that I was a transsexual. We talked about it a lot, and she made it clear to me that she couldn’t stay with me if I was transsexual. That made it difficult to talk with her about my true feelings because I didn’t want to lose her. I started taking hormones without her or my doctor knowing, and I loved the changes I was seeing in my body. I realized that I never liked my body or having sex. I liked loving and caressing her, but the actual sex was no big thing to me. Eventually, the hormones started to affect my libido and I felt happier. After about six months, she started to notice my breasts getting larger and asked if I was taking anything. I admitted that I was, but told her I would stop, which I did.
During the past two years we started going to church three times a week in addition to Sundays. We often talked to each other and to God about our situation, and prayed for his help. She started letting me dress and even spent time with me while dressed. We tried to pray the rosary while I was dressed so that God would be a part of this time, and we would have the wisdom to know if God was with us or against us. I didn’t feel guilty or ashamed knowing God was present.
A few months later, I made a five day directed retreat with the sister who had been companioning us, and truly found myself. I dressed as a woman the whole time. I would run every morning and pray the rosary while running and talk with God. I asked him to help me find the truth. The intimate experiences I had with God that week were very emotional and profound. He gave me all kinds of signs of his love. I learned the depth of his love while dressed and being my feminine self. I went to Mass and Stations of the Cross as Carol, and felt whole and loved and accepted by the people in that church. As Sister led me on my retreat, I learned my Truth and came to accept that inside my head and my heart I am a woman! As my body more closely matches my mind and heart, I feel more whole and at peace with myself.
When I returned home to my wife, she was very fearful that she had lost me. She thought that I would come home wanting to live as a woman. Yes, I did have that desire, but my mental hope was that we could find a way to cope with what was happening to me and continue with our lives as it had been. I was looking for a way to live with the truth that I am a woman while continuing my life as a man. I wanted to stay married and in love with my wife while just crossdressing a few times a week. We decided to work on this together. There aren’t many people to support this choice, but we are trying.
What seems to work for us is to be prayerful all the time, and for my wife to become friends with my feminine side. I would rather spend time with her as Carol than to go to a meeting with other transsexuals so she and I, as Carol, are together at home at least once a week, and we go out once every other month or so. I do hope, however, to be able to participate in group sessions with other transsexuals to discuss other options for coping with my difficult situation.
What I’ve been taught from the Catholic Church won’t let me consider transitioning and crossdressing because I would be selfish and inconsiderate. I believed that I needed to suffer as the martyrs did, and to sacrifice my life (my true self) for others in my family and my church. I believed I needed to live in pain to help others live in peace. As I write this, I realize that God wants me to live in peace, also. But I realized that I need to truly love myself in order to love others better. I wish I could find the strength to make a “selfish” decision, as the church calls it, and let the woman in me live. But I can’t for fear of hurting all those people in my church that know me and my children and friends. I worked so hard to live God’s plan for our marriage, and the decision to transition would break my vows. I strive to live our sacrament of matrimony and that doesn’t allow for either partner to transition. Couples separate and divorce for various reasons and receive annulments, but for us to break up over this would be a sin. It doesn’t seem right. I am fifty-eight years old and ask myself, “Aren’t you too old for this? For what?” To be the person I really am. I just want to find peace with my inner self. I ask if knowing the TRUTH is enough or must we LIVE the TRUTH to find our Peace.
I’ve come to realize that maybe my goal to not transition is not realistic. My wife and I are searching for the answer to the questions, “Must everyone transition?” Really, the question is, “Must I transition?”. I have nothing but peace to find and everything to lose. I could likely lose my wife, children, friends and the respect of those in my church community, not to mention my job and livelihood. I know that life would not be easy for me if I transitioned, but at times, that doesn’t bother me.
It’s a big disappointment to know that the church I love and to which I devoted over thirty years of service would abandon and crucify me if they just knew I was transsexual. I know they would cast me aside and call me a sinner and a pervert. But right now, I know that God loves me, and I find it very depressing that such a wonderful church can fall so short of living the Gospel to love the lowly. My wife and I are still open to God’s calling, but we are fearful that he might be calling us to minister by helping others to see that transsexuals are just as special and beloved as anyone else. We all need to learn to see their worth and love them as they are. It would be an important ministry, but we know it would be the most difficult task God has ever called us to do.
In closing, I’d like to ask for your prayers. Not for my lovely wife and me, but that our church will learn to accept and love all people as God loves, unconditionally. We can’t say, “If you change or stop doing these things or wearing those clothes, I will love you.” I know God loves me, and as others like me go on this journey, they need to know that they are loved by God and by others.