PHOTO: PAUL JASMER, OSB, Scillia bifolia
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud,
be gracious to me and answer me!
“Come,” my heart says, “seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, do I seek.
Do not hide your face from me.
I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart, take courage;
wait for the Lord!
Ps 27, 7-9,; 13-14
This Psalm expresses what was in my heart as I drove down the highway towards my former home yesterday. I was heading down to pick out wall paint for my brother to use as we prepare the house for sale. I was overwhelmed with all the loose ends in my life: no job, no sure plans for the fall, a dissolution that takes time to work through, and my father had taken a turn for the worse, needing more hands to help day and night.
“Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud, be gracious to me and answer me!” Those words could have been my own as I had what I sometimes call a “Tevia moment” with God, calling out through my tears: “I am worn out. I have had it. Answer me! I have chosen to work for the poor, for your church, for my family. Now I need something to open up for me!”
(As I write, I remember a story told at the Abbey about an old monk who could sit quietly no longer as younger monks debated the appropriateness of the cursing psalms in modern liturgy. They wanted to do away with them. The old monk stood, slammed his hand on the table and said, “The cursing psalms are my whole spirituality!” Yesterday I would have voted with him, hands down.)
After a good cry and a heart to heart with the Holy One, I felt a little better. I arrived back home a few hours later, only to retreat upstairs to my office where I could cry again. My brother came up, lent me his shoulder and I had a good sob. We talked and laughed and he shared his faith with me. Mine was a little shaky.
Finally, though, I was able to move to the ending of Psalm 27 and pray it with fervor equal to the emotion I gave to the beginning verses: Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”
I do seek God’s face. I want to be strong and take courage as I wait. I just need to feel some of God’s love while I do it. To experience God’s compassion for ME, I need to be still and be attentive to that Presence within me and in the world. I need to be “Wide Awake,” as I tell my writing students. I can’t move through my days waiting for God to hit me over the head with something. I need to be open, aware, and present to the moment, for as my head knows so well, that is where God is.
On Saturday, I was attentive. I even wrote in the notebook that is always with me. I was taking a break from the house and had decided to see a movie (“The Last Station.” I highly recommend it.) before heading for the local coffee shop to work on my computer. The street was busy and with cars parked on both sides, I pulled over to let an oncoming car slip through the narrow lane before I did. The driver smiled and waved his hand in thanks as he drove by. I waved back and smiled.
“It;s the little things that, if one is attentive, make a difference. In a brief moment I had connected with someone on a sunny Saturday morning and it felt good. The cashier at the old movie theater was pleasant as were the other six people who came to see the movie.
My favorite big table with padded seat that curved around it was open at the coffee shop, so I could spread out and have a little privacy as I worked. The pomegranate green tea was delicious and the pumpernickel/onion bagel with light cream cheese hit the spot.
Yesterday’s tears washed my eyes clean and for the moment, at least, I am praying my way through long days and night’s at Dad’s wide awake and expectant.
© 2010 Mary van Balen
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